Getting My Spark Back Is Hard

As I approach my mid-30s, I have realized so many things about life. It is not all it’s cracked up to be for most of us. But is that really just perception? Can I choose to look at the difficulties and pain as a stepping stone to something better, or should I look at it as an obstacle? Well, like I said, it’s all perception.

Think of it this way: when you take a flight of stairs to reach the top, it starts to get really hard about halfway up. Your legs begin to hurt, you get out of breath, and sometimes you have to just take a break. But, eventually, you push through and make it to the top, and all of that pain and discomfort becomes a thing of the past. It can also become a trophy of your experience, representing every lesson learned and strategy used to get you to the finish line.

Up until now, I have looked at any difficulty as a hardship. Why me? Why do I have to deal with this? I have been through enough already! So many tears, so much pain, and trauma. When will it end?! I had been a “nice” girl my whole life. I never had any boundaries and constantly went against myself to please others. I would push myself to overachieve, only to be silent and hide myself from society because I didn’t want to experience the pain of other people hurting me when I should have been loud and proud.

But one day I woke up, and it all clicked. If I did not experience those things, I wouldn’t have the understanding that I do now. Just like that! I literally had an epiphany.

They say “Diamonds are made under pressure.” That quote can really be applied to this conversation. We literally have to go through difficult things in life to become our best selves. Someone might say well, that’s not true, I didn’t have to do that, or life doesn’t have to be hard. That is also where perception comes in.

What is hard? What is easy?

Those answers will be different for everyone. Someone might have the easiest life on the outside, but internally, they are struggling with something they may not be able to handle. But you might be able to, so in your eyes, they have it easy. Just look at how celebrities are treated. So many people believe that because they have money and fame, they shouldn’t complain about their issues. Well, news flash, they are “human” (hopefully they are, but at this point in the world, who knows lol) and they go through the same things we do.

I can relate to this in a way.

From my experience as a black woman, we are literally brought into the world with the word “STRONG” written on our foreheads! We have to “save” everyone, have all of the answers, endure the most pain, and get the least amount of sympathy. We aren’t allowed to have a voice, and society will literally kill your dreams and everything else around you for their benefit. Think of us as the hand that guides people to success, while we sit there wondering what life would be like if we had the same opportunities. This is so tiring, and I HATE it with a passion. They say black women are the hardest-working, most educated, and most loving people on the planet. Yes, we are. But we are the most damaged, inside and out, because we have to carry so much. Erykah Badu literally wrote a song about it. called “Bag Lady” lol

90% of the time, we are raised to be stripped of self-love, boundaries, or any general knowledge of self. We have to bend to society’s rules so we can be “easy” to deal with. When we get behind closed doors, we can finally be ourselves, and even then, we can’t truly love ourselves at home until it’s too late. The brainwashing is sick and has been going on for too long. Thankfully, in this generation, we have started to cancel those ideologies and learn to love who we truly and fully are.

This brings me to my point. lol Finally right?!

The Old Me Has to be Left Behind

For so many years, I just felt like I wasn’t myself. I was starting to feel so many things. There were questions that I couldn’t answer, and I wanted to get my spark back. I was trying to figure out why I couldn’t be like who I used to be. The conditioned version of me who didn’t feel, didn’t question things or people, just kept quiet and let things happen. What I didn’t understand was the amount of trauma that was created. I was like one of those closets that you just put everything in, and one day it finally couldn’t close. Everything fell apart, and I was a complete mess. This was in December 2017, mind you! So, yeah, I have been trying to get back to that torn-up version of myself like a dummy.

I didn’t know that all of that buildup was essentially just filling a real void. The void of self-love. I never learned how to love myself. There were no examples of that in my life. I mean, you would see it on TV or hear about it, but I didn’t understand it until I had to figure it out. Let’s just say this journey has been really hard and humbling. I have had to strip myself of everything I have ever known. I have had to relearn myself, my family, hell, just the meaning of life in general. Who am I? What am I? Just so many things that I was not prepared for. I know there are a lot of people who experience this awakening, or I guess you can call it a “semi-midlife crisis”. It’s a part of life, and honestly, I am so happy that it has happened to me.

The most important part of this all is how in tune you need to be with yourself. You will find many things within. Actually, everything is in there. It’s the best rabbit hole to fall down, honestly. There will be so many ups and downs on the journey of finding yourself. You will take 2 steps forward and 4 steps back. That is the worst part. That is what takes so long. You try to hold on to the old version of yourself because it’s so familiar. Let it go! Foreal! You really have to let everything go. Leave the old you behind. You’ve learned the lessons and honor that, but you can’t keep studying old information for a new test.

Life is literally all lessons and tests. Earth might really be a school, as they say. The good thing is I have always been good in school. I always passed a test with a high score, and if I can do it in school, I can do it in life.

The main issue I have been running into is figuring out who I am. Who do I want to be? What does that version of me look like? Every day, I think I am getting close to that answer, and then boom, here comes a new obstacle. Only I can determine if I’m going to let it break me down or use it as a step to the top. I am at the point in my life where I am using everything as a stepping stone. We are taking advantage of all of the help that life brings me, and just really sit in the beauty of it all.

So today, as I type this, I am going to learn who I am, what I want, and let life bring it to me. No more fear, no more worry, no more lack of any kind. Only love, peace, and joy. Even when things get sketchy, I am going to be glad in it.

I am creating a new spark that will turn into a beautiful burning flame that lights others along the way!

Hopefully, this resonated with someone out there. Leave a comment and let me know your thoughts.